We’re Baconsale and we’re criminal masterminds. Well…maybe we are. We’re not quite certain, actually. But we are certain that Disney just released a film adaptation of Artemis Fowl, and we’re going to review it. None of us have read the book series, so we watched this movie without any expectations. We have a lot to say about it now. And even if you haven’t seen it, you can still listen to the first part of this review, which is spoiler free. In fact, we recommend listening to this episode before you watch it.

Dame Judi Dench’s gravely voice commands that you press play.